How nice it would be to end this year with a nice composition of words - what else can it be? For I am not a musician. Each time I start, my thoughts slip to something I don't want to be thinking of. I can't seem to help it though I can. Everything seems to be going just fine then some wretched date or time creeps to the surface of my battered thoughts. Have I not been busy enough? Has happened so much that I have taken the best part of two months reading 'A Breath of Snow and Ashes' and am still at 75%. Is it just that this particular novel is lengthier than the others?
Moving on, all things considered, I believe I have held myself up much better than I expected. I can laugh, really laugh, which says a whole lot. Looking back, doesn't look like I have done much throughout the year but I'm still exhausted. I still didn't get to do all my needlework, much less the sewing. Doesn't matter though. Am still breathing, that's what matters - though at the moment I feel close to death's stairway or dungeon?
For this coming year, am picking up cross-stitching. Will see how it goes since it will be self taught. Everything is. Until whenever, I hope for all the best.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Thursday, May 15, 2014
My Precious Cargo :'-(
I thought I knew sadness. I thought I knew pain. I never imagined anything could feel so bad. The experience ripped my heart away as it happened on a day on which I was supposed to be overjoyed. All my expectations, hopes and illusions were swept away in a matter of minutes, leaving me sinking and drowning in my own pain.
Just at the end of March, I confirmed that I was expecting. God, it was the greatest, happiest feeling I ever had. I thought of what the coming months would be like, the new experiences, and everything in between. I visited the nurse at the end of April, and I was told that I was 12 weeks 5 days along which made the lucky day be November 5.
I left the clinic walking in the clouds, waiting for that lucky day in November.
Since I was past the 12 weeks, I thought I was in the clear. Imagine how heart-wrenching it was when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks 3 days. It was so painful, especially since that day is a day set aside for Mother's. Losing my baby has made me lost myself. I keep wondering 'Will I ever get myself back?' 'Do I want myself back?'.
When I was in the hospital, I wished I had an isolated room. There were two pregnant women, both eighteen years old, and the nurses kept checking their baby's heartbeat. It hurt me so much to listen, as the only thought that kept running through my mind was 'I never got to hear my baby's heart beat'. Then, if that wasn't enough, the day I got discharged, there was a newborn two beds down from me. I was eating and I could not help not looking and wondering 'What would my baby have looked liked had it been full term?' My eyes filled up and I fought hard to swallow my food and fight back the sob that was on the verge of breaking out.
Writing about this makes me hope that I will come to terms with everything in the process, as it is the only means I have. Now it has dawned on me that the song 'Noviembre Sin Ti' is all the more suitable for me. Though I think of my baby, it may also be about the love I believed I had. November will be here soon enough, but there will be no baby for me to hold.
There just seems to be no thought that could comfort me. All I have now is 'God knows best'.
My Most Precious, I miss talking to you. I miss your presence. I never thought I would lay eyes on you the way I did but small as you were, you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I love you beyond all else.
My precious cargo didn't make it, but there are precious memories, no matter that it was such a short time. As the days go by, they get harder to face, especially when my breasts have been leaking milk and act as a reminder of what was. It was also hard to get myself to cry in the first few days but now the tears and sobs are uncontrollable.
Just at the end of March, I confirmed that I was expecting. God, it was the greatest, happiest feeling I ever had. I thought of what the coming months would be like, the new experiences, and everything in between. I visited the nurse at the end of April, and I was told that I was 12 weeks 5 days along which made the lucky day be November 5.
I left the clinic walking in the clouds, waiting for that lucky day in November.
Since I was past the 12 weeks, I thought I was in the clear. Imagine how heart-wrenching it was when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks 3 days. It was so painful, especially since that day is a day set aside for Mother's. Losing my baby has made me lost myself. I keep wondering 'Will I ever get myself back?' 'Do I want myself back?'.
When I was in the hospital, I wished I had an isolated room. There were two pregnant women, both eighteen years old, and the nurses kept checking their baby's heartbeat. It hurt me so much to listen, as the only thought that kept running through my mind was 'I never got to hear my baby's heart beat'. Then, if that wasn't enough, the day I got discharged, there was a newborn two beds down from me. I was eating and I could not help not looking and wondering 'What would my baby have looked liked had it been full term?' My eyes filled up and I fought hard to swallow my food and fight back the sob that was on the verge of breaking out.
Writing about this makes me hope that I will come to terms with everything in the process, as it is the only means I have. Now it has dawned on me that the song 'Noviembre Sin Ti' is all the more suitable for me. Though I think of my baby, it may also be about the love I believed I had. November will be here soon enough, but there will be no baby for me to hold.
There just seems to be no thought that could comfort me. All I have now is 'God knows best'.
My Most Precious, I miss talking to you. I miss your presence. I never thought I would lay eyes on you the way I did but small as you were, you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I love you beyond all else.
My precious cargo didn't make it, but there are precious memories, no matter that it was such a short time. As the days go by, they get harder to face, especially when my breasts have been leaking milk and act as a reminder of what was. It was also hard to get myself to cry in the first few days but now the tears and sobs are uncontrollable.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Beauty of Nature
One thing I love about these months is the constant rain. Although I haven't had the chance to take a stroll in the rain, I still find myself enjoying it. The past mornings have been drizzly and it creates such a fine atmosphere, one which make me want to stay in bed. However, I always have to drag myself out of the room super early.
Not cool when I think of it but as soon as I step outside, the scenery is always so breathtaking and the little birds singing is enough to make me give thanks that I have made it through the night.
Coupled with the fact that there is something great to look forward to everyday, is enough to keep me going, no matter what condition my body may be in. Exhaustion is a small price to pay for the great stuff. And that great stuff is making people happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not cool when I think of it but as soon as I step outside, the scenery is always so breathtaking and the little birds singing is enough to make me give thanks that I have made it through the night.
Coupled with the fact that there is something great to look forward to everyday, is enough to keep me going, no matter what condition my body may be in. Exhaustion is a small price to pay for the great stuff. And that great stuff is making people happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 14, 2012
How Bad Is It?
These past days I have been thinking about the state of things in this country. I don't know about everything that happens throughout, but I don't need to know all to know that something is very wrong. Then I begin to wonder about what brings on these things. Are families so badly off that individuals have to commit robberies, murders, and all the horrifying acts? It is a fact that there are parents who know their kids are heading the wrong way, but what can they do? Are we totally helpless?
It is always said that we need to leave people be, to provide support, no matter who they are, but doesn't that go too far? Where do we begin to separate each other from supposed 'bad company' if our toleration helps to bring this about? All this doesn't only apply to our ongoing social community problems, but also to relationships, whether family, personal, romantic, business, and all the other -ships.
As I type this, I remember one of my dad's lessons. He drew a diagram on the board and to tell you the truth, the minute I saw it, I knew the truth and it changed certain points in my view.
Words can't make clearer what the eyes can see. The closer you are to God, the closer you are to each other. Even if one person is close and the other isn't, the partners are still far from each other.
So, does that mean that we all need to have a supreme being among us? Yes, it does. Even in the olden days, civilizations had a pantheon of gods in order to maintain a form of balance and harmony. Maybe that is why we are where we are?
Where is the STOP to all of this? It has just gotten worst. Robberies happen weekly in this tiny village, as if that would bring thieves lots of benefits. The worst thing is, we expect the thieves to be reckless youths and surprisingly, married men are involved.
How much more of this can we take? What will we do about what happens under our noses? Shall we sit and wait till various organizations think of more plans to eradicate crime?
I've always thought that solutions start in the home but there are always the black sheep. Those who do not listen to reason and abide by rules and you know what, them more I think about this, the more I contradict myself.
So this is it for now until I can think of something else to add later on.
It is always said that we need to leave people be, to provide support, no matter who they are, but doesn't that go too far? Where do we begin to separate each other from supposed 'bad company' if our toleration helps to bring this about? All this doesn't only apply to our ongoing social community problems, but also to relationships, whether family, personal, romantic, business, and all the other -ships.
As I type this, I remember one of my dad's lessons. He drew a diagram on the board and to tell you the truth, the minute I saw it, I knew the truth and it changed certain points in my view.
Words can't make clearer what the eyes can see. The closer you are to God, the closer you are to each other. Even if one person is close and the other isn't, the partners are still far from each other.
So, does that mean that we all need to have a supreme being among us? Yes, it does. Even in the olden days, civilizations had a pantheon of gods in order to maintain a form of balance and harmony. Maybe that is why we are where we are?
Where is the STOP to all of this? It has just gotten worst. Robberies happen weekly in this tiny village, as if that would bring thieves lots of benefits. The worst thing is, we expect the thieves to be reckless youths and surprisingly, married men are involved.
How much more of this can we take? What will we do about what happens under our noses? Shall we sit and wait till various organizations think of more plans to eradicate crime?
I've always thought that solutions start in the home but there are always the black sheep. Those who do not listen to reason and abide by rules and you know what, them more I think about this, the more I contradict myself.
So this is it for now until I can think of something else to add later on.
New Acquisitions
Receiving and giving gifts has never formed a great part of my life. Well, certainly not as a kid. However, that has changed a bit over a few years.
The most recent of my gifts is:
Although I haven't used it much, I am greatly pleased with this new acquisition. Since I am not yet prepared for fancy clothing creations, this will suffice for now.
The following I have spent a lot of time with. I love it because it is just big enough, I can get lost in another world while using it, and the case is in one of my favorite colors, which is red.
Here is mine:
I love it because I can now read in the night after being told to turn off the light. My option then was to turn on the flashlight and sandwich it between my shoulder and my head. The only disadvantage is when the battery runs low when I am on the go and I have to quit reading. But then again, it's like finishing a book without having another to start.
Too bad I don't have a wireless connection here at home, so I don't get to browse with it.
The most recent of my gifts is:
The following I have spent a lot of time with. I love it because it is just big enough, I can get lost in another world while using it, and the case is in one of my favorite colors, which is red.
Here is mine:
I love it because I can now read in the night after being told to turn off the light. My option then was to turn on the flashlight and sandwich it between my shoulder and my head. The only disadvantage is when the battery runs low when I am on the go and I have to quit reading. But then again, it's like finishing a book without having another to start.
Too bad I don't have a wireless connection here at home, so I don't get to browse with it.
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