Letter to my little sis, Aida

Dear Aida,
Today makes it four years since you left our side. It hurt so much when you left and it still does, but we are comforted by the thought that you are in a better place. So many times have I wondered why it had to be you. That was a cruel play. You being so small, beautiful and innocent. Sometimes I wish it would have happened to me instead. You missed so much of life, but here there is only suffering and disappointments. Life is full of it. I've had my share of it, and it always makes me feel so bad. I wish I can get out of here sometimes and spend time with you. The times we never had when you were here, since you were so small to even know what was happening. All those nights when you cried, and me not knowing why made me cry along with you. Then the time when you laughed for the first time. It was years after they left you that way. I was the one to hear it, and it gave me hopes that one day you would be better, but time proved me wrong. I always wonder how you and I would have gotten along. Would you have been like our other sisters? Of course not. I know you would have been different and we would have understood each other better. I knew that the time for you to leave was near when you refused your bottle, and it brought tears to my eyes for I had no one else to talk to. I couldn't talk to anyone else how I talked to you because I knew that they never listened. I know you heard me, even though the doctors said you couldn't hear. They were very wrong because you would jump whenever there was a loud noise. They can't even explain why you laughed after such a long time. To them, you were nothing, but they didn't see you every day. When I heard that you went away, it was a terrible blow. It was on a Wednesday, I remember clearly. I was at school, and that day I wasn't feeling like myself. There was this heaviness in my heart and I didn't thought it was due to your leaving. I didn't want to accept or believe it. When I got home I knew something was wrong. Mom didn't even have to tell me about it. As I saw the shoes outside that belonged to that horrible woman, I knew. I don't know what she was doing there because she doesn't like us. Anyway, I didn't even bother to bid her the time of day. I didn't even look at her, nor her daughters. I went to my mom and she just looked at me. I didn't need her to tell me anything. I just went and stood by the window. Not knowing what to do. When the shock of the news was over, I started crying as I had never cried before. I couldn't even get myself to go to the church. Even that wasn't as bad as when I saw them lowering you into the ground. That was the worst part. I thought of you being alone and cold down there, and plus it must be very dark. It's terrible. Now, four years after, I wish you were still here, but in a different way. This is the time when I need to talk to someone, especially someone like you. Somebody that would listen without allowing their mind to think about something else. But I have to live on without you. As I said earlier, I am comforted by the thought that you are in a better place and I hope that one day soon we will meet again. But I have done so many things that make me feel afraid. I certainly don't want to end up in the other part. But one day little sis. One day soon I shall see you again. It's so hard to do the right thing when all around me there are temptations and unnecessary pleasures, things I can learn to live without. I could but there are times when my mind fails me, and that's when so many things happen. So many deceptions. They get to me through lies, faked emotions and empty promises, but not anymore. I am afraid to trust and love. People don't value that anymore. It's so sad. Things would brighten up a little if they knew how to. Until then, I have to continue to live my life here.

With lots of love,
your big sis
Priscie

A Part of my Summer

I was suppossed to do this a long time ago but I never got around to doing it. I went to San Pedro during the summer and we had a helluva good time. Well, I did. I don't know about the rest.
These are some pictures:
just follow.

I enjoyed it very much. In my own way.

A Kekchi Wedding I Went To

Since I have nothing else to do right now, I will write about the first Kekchi wedding I went to. It was during the summer when I went to my new home. I grew up in a Mopan Mayan village so it was a great change when we moved to a Kekchi village. Okay, down south, I mean way down, almost all weddings are held on Sundays. First, they have a very long mass then the reception. Since I am not Catholic and I was at church somewhere else, I didn't get to go to the mass. After church, I went home and waited till there was a good amount of people at the groom's house. Since I was new to the area and knew not one soul, I felt uncomfortable when I stepped in their yard. I saw them staring at me, which is something I can't stand, and I felt the urge to turn around and go back home but I couldn't because I would have angered my father. Anyway, I wasn't expecting what I saw. There were no chairs to sit down and they only had a small tent which was already full. The rest of people were scattered all over the place. Some were sitting in the grass and others were standing under the shade of the trees. The only place where they had chairs was in the house and it was dark and crowded inside. So I had to stay and stand up outside with my two sisters. Those people had a deep drain around the house and a space big enough to walk on was left along the wall. We stood there and tried not to look at the people because every time we looked, we saw things that we shouldn't have seen. For us to stop to laugh, we tried to talk but we couldn't. Since we were standing against the wall, people had to squeeze past us. When it was time to eat, the people got their food and went to sit down in the grass. They are known for the 'poch' they eat so I wasn't expecting tortillas. I was glad when my mother told me there was, because there was no way I would have swallowed a mouthful of 'poch'. I had trouble eating because I had my food in one hand and juice in the next, but there was no way I would have sit down in the grass either, because I would have been scratching all day. I was happy when my father said it was time to go home. When we got home, the images just flashed in my mind and I would start laughing. I don't know if they do all their weddings like that but I would never want to go to another. Oh and the music was some kind of very old ranchera. And they spend hours doing 'tzik' instead of enjoying each others company.

The Truth

There are things that I wish would have never changed, but they were for the best.
There are doors that I wish would have never closed, but I'm glad they did.
There are times that I wish I could have what I once had, but I realize that that could never be.
There are places that I would like to see, but I can never get to see all.
There are times when I wish I would just disappear, but if I do I would miss out on the most important things that has happened.
I give thanks to the people who made me realize who I am, who made me change some of my ways, who had patience with me when I gave them a hard time, who knew how to wait for an answer, who gave me my own space, who were there when I needed them most.
Special thanks goes to Karen, who has helped me out a lot over the past. Without you, I would be walking in another direction.
I took this time to write these few words because one can never know what can happen and it's better to be prepared.

Some more of the past

Well, my father was one of those who ran away, hoping for something good to happen. I guess he was trying to make his way to another place to start over. Since his father sent him away, he just wandered about, from one place to the other, till he reached in Corozal. Once there, he was thinking of making his way across to Mexico, and then the U.S, but something happened.
I know my father and once he has his thoughts planted somewhere, he doesn't give up till he achieves what he wants. He got a job working in the cane fields, which was new to him since we don't plant cane down here. ( He was used to harvesting corn and beans, etc, which there will be some about, if I don't forget. ) Anyway, he was up there for a time and was working with different people. One of them was Ambrocio. Well, to make it shorter, life throws up many chances and bestows many gifts upon us. It so happened that this man had a daughter and she liked my father. They had to wait for some time before they were married, since she was barely 15.
Sorry for everything being so mixed up, but I was never good in writing, and never will be. At least I know I write, which I prefer to do over talking.
Since my father found a wife so far away from his home, we made up a story about it. They also don't tell us all the deatails, so we ask my grandmother. With what she tells us, me made up a beautiful story. I also got some ideas from the books I read.
When I have more time, I will be sure to post it. Very unique.
Hope everyone is alright and hope you find God as soon as possible. Time is too short for it to be wasted. With God in your life, everything will be great, but you have to believe.
In believing and trusting, things can happen. Pray without doubting and it will be answered.
Well, it seems that I left the past for now.
Right now I just want to talk about God. I always wonder how he made everything. The Bible says to leave all secret things unto God, but a curious mind can never do that. Only if I think about nothing, but that is impossible even for me at times. I used to, but life is not that simple and carefree anymore. More later