I thought I knew sadness. I thought I knew pain. I never imagined anything could feel so bad. The experience ripped my heart away as it happened on a day on which I was supposed to be overjoyed. All my expectations, hopes and illusions were swept away in a matter of minutes, leaving me sinking and drowning in my own pain.
Just at the end of March, I confirmed that I was expecting. God, it was the greatest, happiest feeling I ever had. I thought of what the coming months would be like, the new experiences, and everything in between. I visited the nurse at the end of April, and I was told that I was 12 weeks 5 days along which made the lucky day be November 5.
I left the clinic walking in the clouds, waiting for that lucky day in November.
Since I was past the 12 weeks, I thought I was in the clear. Imagine how heart-wrenching it was when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks 3 days. It was so painful, especially since that day is a day set aside for Mother's. Losing my baby has made me lost myself. I keep wondering 'Will I ever get myself back?' 'Do I want myself back?'.
When I was in the hospital, I wished I had an isolated room. There were two pregnant women, both eighteen years old, and the nurses kept checking their baby's heartbeat. It hurt me so much to listen, as the only thought that kept running through my mind was 'I never got to hear my baby's heart beat'. Then, if that wasn't enough, the day I got discharged, there was a newborn two beds down from me. I was eating and I could not help not looking and wondering 'What would my baby have looked liked had it been full term?' My eyes filled up and I fought hard to swallow my food and fight back the sob that was on the verge of breaking out.
Writing about this makes me hope that I will come to terms with everything in the process, as it is the only means I have. Now it has dawned on me that the song 'Noviembre Sin Ti' is all the more suitable for me. Though I think of my baby, it may also be about the love I believed I had. November will be here soon enough, but there will be no baby for me to hold.
There just seems to be no thought that could comfort me. All I have now is 'God knows best'.
My Most Precious, I miss talking to you. I miss your presence. I never thought I would lay eyes on you the way I did but small as you were, you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I love you beyond all else.
My precious cargo didn't make it, but there are precious memories, no matter that it was such a short time. As the days go by, they get harder to face, especially when my breasts have been leaking milk and act as a reminder of what was. It was also hard to get myself to cry in the first few days but now the tears and sobs are uncontrollable.
