It's Weekend!

Incoherent Thoughts

This Saturday, the SSP is having a dollar day and I'm looking forward to it. We had one in February, but I wasn't really into it because the night before it happened, I cried my guts out. I just joined them at the time and we had a lot of fun. Well me then, since it was all new to me.
That was the time when I opened the door a little bit more, allowed some more light to light up the dark room I was living in. I furnished it a little, took off most of the dust that had settled in over the years. I even allowed some visitors, and some visit frequently and others occasionally. Some made me change and I made some change. That happens every time, but we are so blind so as not to notice when it happens. Most of the time we think it's the other person who changes, when actually it's both.
I think that the main reason why people change is because of the mistakes we do. But don't worry, every one makes them, no one is perfect. There are times when we wish we wish we could just go back and click 'undo', or 'cut', or just rub an eraser across the board or page, but all that is impossible. Life isn't about erasers and leaving barely noticeable smudges, or imagining away, or clicks.
You've hurt someone and I've hurt someone. We even hurt ourselves. If you think words don't hurt, I'll tell you it does. Know why? They shatter the soul. It hurts more than cuts and bruises. Those heal and are quickly forgotten, but a shattered soul and a broken heart doesn't. The words said are never forgotten. They remain engraved in us and no matter what others do and how many times they say "I'm sorry", to make it up to us, the hurt won't go away. It's always there to haunt you. You might have thought it takes more than just words to make a person go over the edge. Maybe so, maybe not. There aren't any erasers, remember?
Has anyone ever wondered why people become so cold and hard-hearted? I always think that nothing can hurt them, but it's not so. They are hurt, but it just doesn't show. They might look tough, strong and confident on the outside, but what is going on inside? They are slowly dying, and they yearn to feel loved and accepted, so they can stop being the 'breathing dead'.
Accept people for who they are, because if you waste your time judging them, you'll have no time to love them. Let them help you unveil your hidden self, and help them unveil theirs. You'll find the real you and the real them. Time flies away, and with it most of our burdens.


I know this probably doesn't make any sense to you, and it's totally useless, but you don't have to continue to read. You're not obligated. I just feel like writing down my thoughts and open up a little more, in my own way. All those little Thoughts and Memories running around in my head.

I say I hate dogs, but there is one that got to me. He used to be my daily visitor. I always kept my door closed, but not locked. He would push it and walk in. I liked playing with him, and he liked when I scratched his head. Sometimes when I was busy doing my work, he'd just sit down and look at me.
With cats now, it's different. I can spend hours sitting down with a cat in my lap and petting it, and I'd hold a book in the other. At times I'd talk to it and listen to how it purrs.
This might sound weird, but I compare myself to them. They can be so loving and calm when left alone, or when petted, but disturb them or hurt them, and they get ready to scratch or bite.
I'm like that in a way. I can be so calm and quiet, but if you do me something that I really don't like, you'll be exposed to the other side of me. I'll be a totally different person. It takes a lot for me to expose the other side, though. My friends always ask me how I take what others do to me. It's probably because I forget easily. When I get angry with someone, after a day or a couple of hours, I'd have already forgotten why I was angry. That's just me. There's no other. I'm one in a million, not of.

I can almost hear the church bells ringing! and see lots of people.
Staying awake till 4 a.m got the best of me. Couldn't put down my pen and paper.

The Tormenting Questions

We seek answers every time and we don't always get them. We always wonder why things are how they are. What can we do to make it better?
I know everyone has questions that they want answers for. But, how do we find these answers? For some of them, we get the answers, but it's always too late. We've always asked questions like, Why did it have to be me? Why did I make it happen? Why didn't I wait a little bit more? Why is he/she behaving like that? Why? Why? Why? It's always why. What about the others? The what's and how's and when's?
There are so much questions that are left unanswered. I wish I knew all the answers to the questions I have. But then again, if I knew the answers, life would feel like an act.
So I guess I'll just wait patiently for the answers to come and I know they won't.
If only there was a way to stop the bad things from happening. A lot of people would be happier. But then, they are the ones who let it happen. But, before they made the decision, they didn't know it would be bad.
I always ask myself why this happened. About 10-11 years ago. Everything was just so sweet, and she was only a baby. Why did it have to be her? What could have been done to avoid it? It happened around October. I used to hear her cry everyday, and I didn't know if she was feeling pain or not. The doctors told us that she would never be able to walk, talk, see, or even hear. So, she was only there, couldn't do anything, not even eat. For years it was like that, then one day, I heard her laugh (a real happy laugh). After all those years! I stood there and looked at her and smiled, with tears in my eyes, because it was so long.
Even though I didn't get to see her growing up, I still miss her. It'll be 3 yrs this November that she passed away, and sometimes I still find it hard to believe.
Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and I swear I'd either hear her laughing or her cry.
Life is just so cruel sometimes. I guess I'll never understand, I'll only learn from it's cruelty.

Some Photos

This is judz. (from our first trip to Blue Creek)


We went on Good Friday. Didn't give a damn about what the old people said (it's only a myth).
No one became a mermaid.

Took us 15-20 mins to get to the cave.


This is the most dangerous part. coming down not going up,especially if you are wet.


You can see how much energy she put into climbing!

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Quotes for the day:

1. "Men are like mascara- they RUN at the first sign of emotion."

2. "The red rose whispers of passion, and the white rose breathes of love, o, the red rose is a falcon, and the white rose is a dove."

3. " Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."

4. " Love is the history of a womans life; it is an episode in mans."

5. "Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."

6. "Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

7. "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."


8. " Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."

Just Me

Everyone has their own special moments and their worst moments, right? These pictures are my own good moments. Some were captured when I wasn't aware of it and when I look at them, I remember what was happening or what happened afterwards.
This picture was taken in P.G. There was something about the place that made me compare myself to it. Just so alone! I wonder about myself everytime, (might be losing my mind) but I just can't help it.
These days I have been going through a lot of things and I am thinking too much that I feel I am not myself. I feel I have to wake up and come face-to-face with reality. It's like living a dream and waiting for someone to wake me up, and there's no one.

This now, is one of my "masks". I can smile and look like the happiest person, when inside, something is eating me alive. The smile that can fool everyone, or " la sonrisa coqueta", as he told me. It doesn't matter what, if I'm angry, sad, nervous, disappointed, worried, or whatever, I'll just smile, like it's okay with me. And that, is what annoys me. That's because it's not O.K.

You wouldn't guess what happened to me right after this picture was taken!
It was one of the good old days, when I had fewer things to trouble me. This day was full of laughter, heartaches, anger, and much more.
I sometimes wish I can go back in time and change the way how things were and maybe it would be better now. If that was so, I wouldn't have drank from the gallon. But then again, it's things like those that makes the past worth remembering and it makes us laugh at the stupid things we do.


This here is how I waste most of my time. Just staring at something and not thinking about anything. My friends tell me that's not possible, but for me it is.
There are things about me that are just so different from other people. I hear people say they wish they were like this, and they wish they were like that, and some have told me they wish they were like me. Huh! If they only knew about me and the things I go through, I don't think anyone would wish to be like me.
The way I think and the way I do things, are sometimes strange to other people. Most of the time, I feel like a stranger. I feel like I don't belong here, and I always try to keep my distance and keep people out of the little space I managed to keep. But then again, it's just wrong and I know about it.
Most people give up trying with me. But there is one person who never gave up. I wasn't looking for a friend, but she came to me when I needed another soul the most. I was falling into this hole that had no bottom, and I had this big wound that I thought would never heal. She rescued me! I will always be grateful to her for that. She talked a lot of sense into me and told me it wasn't the end of my road.
It was just the beginning. I started clearing another path, and what I have now, is the result. It was just so easy. All those years that went by so wasted, how I wish I can have them back. Anyway, this is just me and I don't care who gives up with me. As long as I'm happy with what I have, I need no more.

This is my friend. The one who opened my eyes and told me about the cruel ways of the world. Thanks to her that I am who I am now. She found me in the right moment. I wonder what life would be like for me if she didn't.

It's Friday!!

Wow! This is so unbelievable. It's Friday again! Time flied past me. I still feel like last Friday was just yesterday. Time to have more fun. Last weekend was next to the best I've ever had. It started when there was a black-out, all classes were canceled and we had nothing else to do.
Me, my sister, Judz, and a so-called "friend", went to the Macal Park. I like to go there, especially in the night, when the moon is clear, and the stars are out. I'd sit in the swing and enjoy that feeling I always get. I'd slip into my own world, not conscious of what's happening around me or what the conversation is about. That is, if it doesn't concern me.
Anyway, it all started there. Then, we went to karaoke at Sunset. We had fun and the "friend" sponsored the rounds. We weren't expecting to stay out late, but we did. We talked and laughed and I also had a talk with the "friend", because he was not behaving too correct. We all lectured him, I hope it sinks in one of these days.
On Saturday, I spent whole day at my friend's house. On Sunday, we planned to go to an archaeological site, but we lost interest. So, we went to Calla Creek instead. The peace and tranquility of the place was much needed. Hakuna Matata.
Anyway, I was saying Friday is here again, and there will be a back to school dance. I wonder what this night will bring. Looks kind of promising right now. Still thinking about it.