Job #1

Working myself very hard right here. I managed to get myself a job and I have to say I am proud. I know it's unbelievable to those who know me, but yes, I am working. This is my first job and I like it, only caz it's very tiring. I get to talk to a lot of people and my co-workers, unbelievable isn't it? Me who barely talk to anyone.

It's Over

I can't say how good I feel right now. Classes were over for me since yesterday at 9:30. I had a big presentation to do for Tourism and I was fretting for the whole evening. I had no idea how the powerpoint turned up and didn't even know after who I would talk. But, it all went very good, and the best thing is that the judge liked it.
The documentary was about the cultural changes in Benque Viejo del Carmen.
I got through with all those but not with the world history assignment, only did half of it. I also left the webpage half done.

I'm heading to Corozal tomorrow.

What I Don't Want Again

This past week has been one of those that I really don't like. To begin with, I have two webpage projects that I didn't do because they were getting to my last nerves, two field reports to do for Intro to Tourism, due tomorrow, a final project, for Monday and ten major assignments for world history about the ancient civilizations, namely hunter/gatherer society, Egypt, Mesopotamia, Rome, Greek, the Indus Valley, China, Maya, medieval period and finally to cmpare religions. It would have been good if he just asked for a brief history, but no, he wants us to have everything about the position of the women, the economy, government, rise and fall of the empires, agriculture, their daily life, and the list goes on.
That is the reason why I feel like I can't go on. I just want to cry and scream and lock myself up and not come out again until somone promises to get me what I really want.
Which no one knows what it is, not even me.
Added to how I feel about the past month, I feel that this pile of work is going to kill me. Most of the time I go to sleep at 5 a.m, which shouldn't be strange, but still is.
I know that if the situation was a little different, I would be able to do this work, but I can't concentrate on it because I keep thinking about how things were before the 27 of October. That is one day I wish to erase completely from all what has happened.
Sorry Judz, caz that's your birthdate.
If that could just happen, and everything continue as before that, things would be much better for me.
What do I do?

Pay me no mind.

If you want to see some of my pictures,click here.

Un-break My Heart

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The night are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss that pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Un-cry that tears
I cried so many, many nights
Un-break my

Un-break my heart
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on....

By Toni Braxton

So much emotions in this song. I myself will never forget because of the sad memory it brings whenever I hear it. Driving home from the hospital late in the night after my little sister got sick.
This song was playing on the radio.
So long ago and it always still feels like yesterday.

Whatever happens Happens

A Memory

I was at my friends house and wasn't really thinking about anything. I checked the date on my phone caz I wasn't sure and I remembered that one year ago, I got really high. It was the first time I drank and I promised I'd never drink that much again, and I've kept my promise. I still laugh about it when I remember. If I didn't drink I wouldn't have those scars.
I should be doing something else.

The Chemistry Of Love

I was reading earlier and I came across this piece of information.

People often talk about the chemistry they have with certain others. Research suggests there may be a factual, biological basis to the idea that there is chemistry between people.
The cuddle chemical is oxytocin, which is stimulated by physical or emotional cues. Oxytocin is released when babies nurse, making mothers nuzzle and cuddle them. It also pours out during sexual arousal and lovemaking, making lovers want to caress and cuddle one another.
The infatuation chemical is phenylethylamine (PEA). Like amphetamines, PEA makes our bodies tremble when we're attracted to someone and makes us feel euphoric, happy, and energetic when we're in love.
The attachment chemical is a group of morphine-like opiates that calm us and creates feelings of relaxed comfort. This allows couples to form more peaceful, steady relationships than the speed-like PEA does. Opiates of the mind promote abiding commitment.

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R szev gl ovg tl ztzrm

Drgs ml rwvz lu dszg r droo nrhh
zmw r tfvhh r droo mvevi pmld,
r droo gib ml nliv.

R trev fk.

That Time Of Loving

That time of loving may not come again

and so I’ve saved the old loves one by one
to call back when the leaves fall down
and winter covers all the town
and now is next to nothing
compared to where I’ve been.

That time of loving may not come again
or if it does it might not be the same
the loves remembered, those that last
have caught me living in the past
for now is next to nothing
compared to where I’ve been
and that time of loving may not come again.

Just When She Thought

Just when she thought everything was so perfect,
so sweet, so good, pure bliss
And the coldness was just beginning to seep
out of her heart,
And some light was penetrating the thick walls
around her,
to illuminate the darkness she is living in,
And the missing pieces of the bridge was beginning to be replaced,
to allow visitors into the abandoned mansion,
And she was beginning to feel that she belongs,
Everything gets taken away.
It vanished into thin air and she still finds it hard to believe.
She wonders if she will ever find it again.
She feels that her life has no meaning,
It's purposeless without the things she had.
The few things that remain are not enough to
make her happy.
The smile that was once so full of happiness
Is slowly fading away.
How soon will it be till she finds
another source of happiness again?

She'll just have to wait and see.

My Favorite Place

That there is a favorite place of mine. Most of the times I go home, if I have time I get my friends to go there with me. It's at Blue Creek.

Lately I've been missing my old room. I just loved sitting on the bed and looking out the window.
I'm all excited about 2maro. I'll go as a blood-thirsty vampire. I might post some photos of it.

Poem Without Words

These are just random thoughts, saying nothing much or nothing at all.
I feel so good because
1. My English class was canceled. At least I think it was, because the teacher
wasn't in there when I went.
2. I just finished reading a good book.
3. I can't think of another.
If asked why I don't feel good, I'll have a lot more reasons.
I've been wasting so much precious time lately. I haven't even written in my journal book, but nothing much is happening to keep record of.
I have a presentation coming up next week and I don't know who I should dress like yet. I'm all excited about it, but I can't find time to work on it.
I have been receiving phone calls from a person who doesn't want to tell me who he is. I don't like it because it makes me feel as if he is watching every step I take.
I think staying awake all night will help me think better. I love the silence of the night, and the blackness of the dark. It makes me feel protected.
Below is a poem I found when I went home. I decided to put it on this post because it reminded me of times when I should have written something and I didn't do it. Sometimes I feel glad that I didn't do it because if I did it, I would feel much worse. If I did it, I don't know how things would be.

I wanted to write you some words you’d remember
words so alert they’d leap from the paper
and crawl up your shoulder and lie by your ears
and be there to comfort you down through the years.
But it was cloudy that day and I was lazy
and so I stayed in bed just thinking about it.

I wanted to write you and tell you that maybe
love songs from lovers are unnecessary.
We are what we feel and writing it down
seems foolish sometimes without vocal sound.
But I spent the day drinking coffee, thinking about it
and looking in the mirror practicing my smile.

I wanted to write you one last, long love song
that said what I feel one final time.
Not comparing your eyes and mouth to the stars
but telling you only how like yourself you are.
But by the time I thought of it, found a pen and paper,
put the pen to the paper,
you were gone.

And so, this poem has no words.

That was too bad. Wasted time. Just how I wasted and am wasting mine.

When You Left

I stood watching
As you crossed the street
For the last time.
Trying hard to memorize you.
Knowing it would be important.
The way you walked,
The way you looked back over your shoulder at me.

Years later
I would hear the singing of the wind
And that day’s singing would come back.
That time of going would return to me
Every sun-gray day.
December or February it would be the same
For years to come.

Man has not made the kind of bromide
That would let me sleep without your memory
Or written erotically enough
To erase the excitement of just your hands.

These long years later it is worse
For I remember what it was
As well as what it might have been.

Finally

It's here! The moment I was waiting for. This time I'll take advantage of it because it might be the last time I get an opportunity like this. It feels strange now, because it has been almost a year that I haven't been this way. I'll get used to it again, somehow.
So many things!
I have so much work and so much free time and I still haven't done all. When I begin to think of it, I wonder about all the time that was wasted when I could have been doing it.
Because of that, I won't be able to enjoy my visit home.It's been almost two months since I was there. I didn't want to go until x-mas holiday, but my sister convinced me. I miss my family a lot, especially Lyne and Lem.
I think I've had enough changes for right now. It's just too much for me to be able to deal with all of them.
Enjoy the rest of your days.
Halloween is coming up. Take time out to think of the perfect plan to scare someone.
Until then...

It's Weekend!

Incoherent Thoughts

This Saturday, the SSP is having a dollar day and I'm looking forward to it. We had one in February, but I wasn't really into it because the night before it happened, I cried my guts out. I just joined them at the time and we had a lot of fun. Well me then, since it was all new to me.
That was the time when I opened the door a little bit more, allowed some more light to light up the dark room I was living in. I furnished it a little, took off most of the dust that had settled in over the years. I even allowed some visitors, and some visit frequently and others occasionally. Some made me change and I made some change. That happens every time, but we are so blind so as not to notice when it happens. Most of the time we think it's the other person who changes, when actually it's both.
I think that the main reason why people change is because of the mistakes we do. But don't worry, every one makes them, no one is perfect. There are times when we wish we wish we could just go back and click 'undo', or 'cut', or just rub an eraser across the board or page, but all that is impossible. Life isn't about erasers and leaving barely noticeable smudges, or imagining away, or clicks.
You've hurt someone and I've hurt someone. We even hurt ourselves. If you think words don't hurt, I'll tell you it does. Know why? They shatter the soul. It hurts more than cuts and bruises. Those heal and are quickly forgotten, but a shattered soul and a broken heart doesn't. The words said are never forgotten. They remain engraved in us and no matter what others do and how many times they say "I'm sorry", to make it up to us, the hurt won't go away. It's always there to haunt you. You might have thought it takes more than just words to make a person go over the edge. Maybe so, maybe not. There aren't any erasers, remember?
Has anyone ever wondered why people become so cold and hard-hearted? I always think that nothing can hurt them, but it's not so. They are hurt, but it just doesn't show. They might look tough, strong and confident on the outside, but what is going on inside? They are slowly dying, and they yearn to feel loved and accepted, so they can stop being the 'breathing dead'.
Accept people for who they are, because if you waste your time judging them, you'll have no time to love them. Let them help you unveil your hidden self, and help them unveil theirs. You'll find the real you and the real them. Time flies away, and with it most of our burdens.


I know this probably doesn't make any sense to you, and it's totally useless, but you don't have to continue to read. You're not obligated. I just feel like writing down my thoughts and open up a little more, in my own way. All those little Thoughts and Memories running around in my head.

I say I hate dogs, but there is one that got to me. He used to be my daily visitor. I always kept my door closed, but not locked. He would push it and walk in. I liked playing with him, and he liked when I scratched his head. Sometimes when I was busy doing my work, he'd just sit down and look at me.
With cats now, it's different. I can spend hours sitting down with a cat in my lap and petting it, and I'd hold a book in the other. At times I'd talk to it and listen to how it purrs.
This might sound weird, but I compare myself to them. They can be so loving and calm when left alone, or when petted, but disturb them or hurt them, and they get ready to scratch or bite.
I'm like that in a way. I can be so calm and quiet, but if you do me something that I really don't like, you'll be exposed to the other side of me. I'll be a totally different person. It takes a lot for me to expose the other side, though. My friends always ask me how I take what others do to me. It's probably because I forget easily. When I get angry with someone, after a day or a couple of hours, I'd have already forgotten why I was angry. That's just me. There's no other. I'm one in a million, not of.

I can almost hear the church bells ringing! and see lots of people.
Staying awake till 4 a.m got the best of me. Couldn't put down my pen and paper.

The Tormenting Questions

We seek answers every time and we don't always get them. We always wonder why things are how they are. What can we do to make it better?
I know everyone has questions that they want answers for. But, how do we find these answers? For some of them, we get the answers, but it's always too late. We've always asked questions like, Why did it have to be me? Why did I make it happen? Why didn't I wait a little bit more? Why is he/she behaving like that? Why? Why? Why? It's always why. What about the others? The what's and how's and when's?
There are so much questions that are left unanswered. I wish I knew all the answers to the questions I have. But then again, if I knew the answers, life would feel like an act.
So I guess I'll just wait patiently for the answers to come and I know they won't.
If only there was a way to stop the bad things from happening. A lot of people would be happier. But then, they are the ones who let it happen. But, before they made the decision, they didn't know it would be bad.
I always ask myself why this happened. About 10-11 years ago. Everything was just so sweet, and she was only a baby. Why did it have to be her? What could have been done to avoid it? It happened around October. I used to hear her cry everyday, and I didn't know if she was feeling pain or not. The doctors told us that she would never be able to walk, talk, see, or even hear. So, she was only there, couldn't do anything, not even eat. For years it was like that, then one day, I heard her laugh (a real happy laugh). After all those years! I stood there and looked at her and smiled, with tears in my eyes, because it was so long.
Even though I didn't get to see her growing up, I still miss her. It'll be 3 yrs this November that she passed away, and sometimes I still find it hard to believe.
Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and I swear I'd either hear her laughing or her cry.
Life is just so cruel sometimes. I guess I'll never understand, I'll only learn from it's cruelty.

Some Photos

This is judz. (from our first trip to Blue Creek)


We went on Good Friday. Didn't give a damn about what the old people said (it's only a myth).
No one became a mermaid.

Took us 15-20 mins to get to the cave.


This is the most dangerous part. coming down not going up,especially if you are wet.


You can see how much energy she put into climbing!

---

Quotes for the day:

1. "Men are like mascara- they RUN at the first sign of emotion."

2. "The red rose whispers of passion, and the white rose breathes of love, o, the red rose is a falcon, and the white rose is a dove."

3. " Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."

4. " Love is the history of a womans life; it is an episode in mans."

5. "Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."

6. "Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

7. "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."


8. " Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."

Just Me

Everyone has their own special moments and their worst moments, right? These pictures are my own good moments. Some were captured when I wasn't aware of it and when I look at them, I remember what was happening or what happened afterwards.
This picture was taken in P.G. There was something about the place that made me compare myself to it. Just so alone! I wonder about myself everytime, (might be losing my mind) but I just can't help it.
These days I have been going through a lot of things and I am thinking too much that I feel I am not myself. I feel I have to wake up and come face-to-face with reality. It's like living a dream and waiting for someone to wake me up, and there's no one.

This now, is one of my "masks". I can smile and look like the happiest person, when inside, something is eating me alive. The smile that can fool everyone, or " la sonrisa coqueta", as he told me. It doesn't matter what, if I'm angry, sad, nervous, disappointed, worried, or whatever, I'll just smile, like it's okay with me. And that, is what annoys me. That's because it's not O.K.

You wouldn't guess what happened to me right after this picture was taken!
It was one of the good old days, when I had fewer things to trouble me. This day was full of laughter, heartaches, anger, and much more.
I sometimes wish I can go back in time and change the way how things were and maybe it would be better now. If that was so, I wouldn't have drank from the gallon. But then again, it's things like those that makes the past worth remembering and it makes us laugh at the stupid things we do.


This here is how I waste most of my time. Just staring at something and not thinking about anything. My friends tell me that's not possible, but for me it is.
There are things about me that are just so different from other people. I hear people say they wish they were like this, and they wish they were like that, and some have told me they wish they were like me. Huh! If they only knew about me and the things I go through, I don't think anyone would wish to be like me.
The way I think and the way I do things, are sometimes strange to other people. Most of the time, I feel like a stranger. I feel like I don't belong here, and I always try to keep my distance and keep people out of the little space I managed to keep. But then again, it's just wrong and I know about it.
Most people give up trying with me. But there is one person who never gave up. I wasn't looking for a friend, but she came to me when I needed another soul the most. I was falling into this hole that had no bottom, and I had this big wound that I thought would never heal. She rescued me! I will always be grateful to her for that. She talked a lot of sense into me and told me it wasn't the end of my road.
It was just the beginning. I started clearing another path, and what I have now, is the result. It was just so easy. All those years that went by so wasted, how I wish I can have them back. Anyway, this is just me and I don't care who gives up with me. As long as I'm happy with what I have, I need no more.

This is my friend. The one who opened my eyes and told me about the cruel ways of the world. Thanks to her that I am who I am now. She found me in the right moment. I wonder what life would be like for me if she didn't.

It's Friday!!

Wow! This is so unbelievable. It's Friday again! Time flied past me. I still feel like last Friday was just yesterday. Time to have more fun. Last weekend was next to the best I've ever had. It started when there was a black-out, all classes were canceled and we had nothing else to do.
Me, my sister, Judz, and a so-called "friend", went to the Macal Park. I like to go there, especially in the night, when the moon is clear, and the stars are out. I'd sit in the swing and enjoy that feeling I always get. I'd slip into my own world, not conscious of what's happening around me or what the conversation is about. That is, if it doesn't concern me.
Anyway, it all started there. Then, we went to karaoke at Sunset. We had fun and the "friend" sponsored the rounds. We weren't expecting to stay out late, but we did. We talked and laughed and I also had a talk with the "friend", because he was not behaving too correct. We all lectured him, I hope it sinks in one of these days.
On Saturday, I spent whole day at my friend's house. On Sunday, we planned to go to an archaeological site, but we lost interest. So, we went to Calla Creek instead. The peace and tranquility of the place was much needed. Hakuna Matata.
Anyway, I was saying Friday is here again, and there will be a back to school dance. I wonder what this night will bring. Looks kind of promising right now. Still thinking about it.

Love Lessons

This is a piece of writing that I came across some time ago. After I read it, I got answers to the many questions I had. I found truth in the words and it changed me. The way I thought about things and how I saw them. Some parts also brought tears to my eyes.
Here goes:

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is loving someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know to be grateful for that gift. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out you still care for that person.
A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be, and you have to let go.
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
It is true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. Giving someone all your love is never assurance that they will love you back! Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their heart, but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. There are things that you would love to hear that you would never hear from the person whom you would like to hear it from, but don't be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from the heart. Never say goodbye if you still want to try, never give up if you still feel you can go on, never say you don't love a person anymore if you can't let go, love comes to those who still hope, although they have been hurt before and to those who have the courage and faith to build trust again. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone. Don't go by looks, they can deceive you. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. Hope for your dreams of that special someone. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you are meant to do.
Always put yourself into other's shoe. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts that person too. A careless word may kindle strip; a cruel word may wreck a life, a timely word may level stress, and a hug may heal and bless. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die you are the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

A New Beginning

Hey everyone, this semester marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. This is my fourth semester at SHJC, and each semester I experienced something different.
Over the year, I can say I have changed a lot. I'm no longer the person I used to be. I found out things about myself that I didn't know and I shared some of my secrets(which is something I have never done) with a friend I met. I also did things that I never dreamed of doing.
I still can't control my temper though. So far, I've never lost control while I'm here, but as I get home, I lose it.
My sisters always say that it's because I was born in March, and they describe me as being dangerous, but I don't think that's true. My uncle told me once that shy girls are the most dangerous and my friends' mother always say that easy waters run deep. The surface may seem calm and it might look shallow, but try going inside, you'll drown!
The wall I built around me over the years is slowly tumbling down. I opened up a little bit and ventured through new paths. Some moments were very disappointing, pleasing, unbelievable, unexpected, and most of all "magical", like the one on my birthday( totally unexpected too!).
Some of the changes that have already happened are:

• I walk between 30-40 mins to school everyday, instead of the usual 10 mins I used to walk. double that and you get 60-80 mins!!!
  
• I live in Santa Elena now.

• I have to cook my own food! I'm not really used to that, since I only cook when I feel like. So far, I haven't done anything, my sister does it (she'll soon force me to).

There are still some of my old habits that hasn't changed though, like reading and staying up late at night, doing nothing.
I'm expecting more things to happen, both good and bad (can't run away from that).

" EL POETA"

I was in Corozal for the whole of last week. When I went to town along with my cousin and my sisters, we met a man. He stopped us and siad he had a poem to tell. We listened to him and he made me smile. A real one, not just the forced one. The first two lines went like this
Cuando miro las estrellas,
me acuerdo de ti
I can't remember the rest. I have such a bad memory!
I can't explain how or why,but he made me happy.
Then I remembered something I read somewhere. A simple act of kindness can bring so much joy. Sometimes we do things without wanting to, and we either make others happy, or sad. The smallest thing you do can make someone else happy(like the poem). So, just be nice! Shine some light into other people's darkness.

I'm so BAD-LUCKED

Okay, you may wonder why I say that. Well, it's just that. I have bad luck. Yesterday just wasn't my day.
Since I so wanted to go to Blue Creek, a village a few miles away from home, my sisters and some friends made a plan to go.
We got up very early(5a.m) and prepared our lunch. We were to go on the bus that left the village at 7 but we were'nt ready. So, we had to catch a ride with my dad. I was expecting him to leave us at the roadside, but he drove us all the way.
My spirits were high but after a while I started getting sleepy and there flies were molesting.
Anyway, we walked to the cave and as soon as we finished breakfast, the sky got dark and the rain poured down. We hurried back to the main building.
I was walking too fast I guess, and I fell down. I was soaked up by the time I reached the first cabin.
After the rain stopped, we went on the huge rocks and took some pictures.
Not long after that, it started raining again. We were about to have lunch.
It was raining the whole time, and I started feeling cold. So, I decided to go in the water for a swim. There was thunder and lighning and it was stupid of me. The lighning struck the water and it shocked me. I got scared and I ran out of the water. You should have seen me!
Since we had nothing else to do and I was afraid to go back in the water, we decided to start walking home.
But before that, we went to change off. And to top it all off, I slipped from the stairs. So, I fell down two times and lighning shocked me. Now I have a big bruise on my leg.
We were walking for more than two hours when my dad came back for us. I was so relieved to get in the vehicle.

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature to me, but don't be fooled. For God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water's are calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me!
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only hope and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by LOVE.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something.
I don't like to hide.
I don't like to play superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the bland stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind and gantle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.

Who am I, you may wonder.
I am someone you know very well.

DESTINY or FREE WILL OF CHOICE?

The other day I was having a discussion with my dad after lunch. It was about DESTINY. I was saying that a person cannot change what will happen. What must happen will happen, one way or the next, and nothing can stop it. He opposed me by saying that it's just FREE WILL OF CHOICE. His explanation to this was that a person makes their life the way it is. With the desicions they make, it can either lead to something good or something bad. And he also explained about pre-destination(I won't go into that now).
Everyone has something good awaiting them and it's up to them to find a way to get it.
There are times when we think we are making the right decisions, and when it turns out that it wasn't right, we get disappointed. But I always think that the explanation for this was that it was supposed to happen. It still would have happened later, maybe in a way much worse.
We can't avoid what should happen, or maybe it's possible.

Home Sweet Home

I'm home again. I'ts the best thing that can happen, although having a family upsets me sometimes. I'm so used to being alone. Anyway, I've started where I left off.
I missed the little creek where I used to spend most of my days as a child, so I went there to have a bath. The water was so cold. I floated in there for a long time, remembering the good times I've had. I realized it wasn't much. Anytime I thought something was good, something had to disappoint me. But I guess that's just the way of life. Can't undo what happens.
Anyway, it's the only place in the world where I feel I can be myself, with no one but the trees around me and the blue sky above me as I lie down in the water on top of the rock. I always feel at peace whenever I do that and time is always forgotten.
It's a place where I can talk aloud about my thoughts, without worrying if someone will overhear me.
I felt like it was ages since I was home the last time. Everything feels different. Even my sisters. Even though we still talk and share our secrets, I feel that they are much closer to each other than with me. I feel like a total stranger when they start to talk and I feel I don't always catch up with what they say. I make them repeat it over for me. As for my cat, I have to feel sorry for him. I feel bad when I see them kicking him. ( That's because they don't like cats, I'm the only one who does.)
I just hope I'll make up for the time I spent away from them this time. Even though I like to be by myself, I still think this is just too much.
Judy is not here to make me laugh. I left a few days ago and I miss Cayo already. I can't wait to go back. For my own reasons, even though I want to spend time with my family. Two things I feel are the most important (actually three), and I can only spend time with one.

My First Mechanical Ride

Last night I went to the Benque Fiesta. I was there the night before, but it wasn't fun because it was raining. I had my first mechanical ride and it was good. At first I was nervous, but then I relaxed and enjoyed. The best was the flying suacer. When we reached, I had a glass of strong rum, (really strong, it even burned my eyes when I brought it near my mouth). Anyway, I went in the ferris wheel first, along with my friend. The second ride was the flying saucer. When we got out of it I felt nauseaous. My friend said she felt like her guts could have came out through her mouth. That was fun, the best I've had in along time. I had to laugh because when she stepped out, she said she was feeling drunk. We zig-zagged among the people and they were looking at us(wondering what's wrong). For the third ride, I went by myself and that wasn't fun. My friend didn't want to go again. Now I'm beginning to understand that it's not fun when I'm by myself everytime when I can be having fun with others. I've learned a lot of things over the past 5 months since I met Judz. and I'm learning some more.

Some Nice Words

I got this from an e-mail that was sent and I really liked it. I posted it here because I just wanted to share it with you.
To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: God
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE
I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years. Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity. Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

My World

Sometimes I would just sit down and stare at something, not really watching it. I would think about the things that happen to me, both good and bad. If they aren't memories, thay are imaginations(which I have everytime). A lot of times when my friends talk to me, they would have to repeat what they said. I don't mean to ignore them, but I do it and it gets them frustrated. Well, that's just me and I try my best to stay with them in their world and not wonder off in mine.